


Giving Up

by stardropdream



Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: CLAMPkink, F/M, Implied Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-23
Updated: 2013-02-23
Packaged: 2017-12-03 09:18:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/696715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardropdream/pseuds/stardropdream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They couldn't have what they wanted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Giving Up

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to the CLAMP kink meme and then reposted to LJ September 1, 2010.

“Where did Doumeki even go?” Watanuki asks, frowning. “I’ll make him bring us some alcohol.”   
  
Himawari smiles down at her hands and shakes her head. “I asked him if it was alright if we spent time alone.”  
  
Watanuki perks up, blinking once. “Ah—oh.”   
  
Himawari lifts her gaze, smiling at the shop owner; her hair spills over her shoulders, and Tanpopo perches himself at the windowsill, looking out at the sky beyond.   
  
“Why?” Watanuki asks, then adds, “Not that I don’t mind having alone time with you, Himawari-chan. I love it, really!”  
  
“I know,” she says, looking away.  
  
“It’s just… usually you like to have Doumeki around, too,” he says and does not add _to act as a buffer for your bad luck_ because even if their visits are limited to once a year and she has a bad effect on him, he doesn’t care—he loves her.  
  
She inhales, and does not say anything for a moment.   
  
“… Himawari-chan?” he asks, sensing correctly that something is wrong. Himawari’s hands clench around the fabric of her skirt as she sits across the table from Watanuki, who watches her with that customary worried gaze of his, the smoke from his pipe curling upwards towards the ceiling.   
  
“I’m getting married,” she says, abruptly.  
  
He freezes, mouth agape. He quickly reclaims control, however, clearing his throat, and giving her a tensed, hesitant smile.  
  
“Ah,” he says, chokes, breathes. “Congratulations.”  
  
Her expression crumples, but only for a moment. “It’s you I want to marry.”   
  
“Himawari-chan…” Watanuki begins, prepares to dissuade her from such a wish.  
  
Himawari shakes her head. “But I can’t. I won’t.”   
  
The boy (still a boy, hardly a man in appearance, and far too old in his heart) stays silent, expression stilling as he stares down at the floor, clenching his pipe and curling his body around Yuuko’s kimono.   
  
Himawari breathes in and out, reminds herself not to break down crying.   
  
“And you can’t. And you won’t.”  
  
“I—”  
  
“I know you love me,” she whispers before Watanuki can say it. “I love you, too. But I’m… we aren’t the people most important to you.”  
  
Watanuki does not protest. They all know who Watanuki cares about the most, the mother he’s lost and waits for, even after all these years. His hands begin to shake, but he controls himself as best he can.   
  
Himawari’s smile is heartbreaking, as are most of her smiles.   
  
“I’m okay,” she says. “I’ve made a decision. I… I’m scared, but… you don’t have to worry about me anymore.”  
  
“Himawari-chan,” Watanuki begins, feeling desperate and standing quickly when Himawari stands, as if she will run away. He touches her wrist and holds her back. “Wait.”   
  
She does.   
  
“… I have a request,” she whispers after a long moment when Watanuki cannot say anything, cannot think of anything to say—worries that once she walks through that door, he will never see her again, that she will be lost. That he will be lost to her.   
  
He hesitates, though, unsure what it was she wants, what she would have to pay for it.   
  
“Will you…” she hesitates further, and turns to face him now, not trying to pull her wrist away from Watanuki’s hold. She takes a step towards him, and this time he can see the tears in her eyes. “Will you kiss me?”  
  
He starts, and for the first time in a long time he feels his face blush—and almost feels like the little boy he used to be, love stricken and smitten with this girl (still a girl, hardly a woman).   
  
“I…” he says, expression stricken. “Himawari-chan, I…”  
  
“Will I have to pay for that?” she asks, and almost pulls her hand away except the tears are pooling now, sliding down her cheeks. Has she always looked so ashen? Has she always looked so small?  
  
He nods. “I’m sorry.”  
  
She ducks her head, crying now.  
  
He wipes her tears away, hands shaking. He cups her face and she looks up at him through teary vision. He tries to smile, but it feels strange on his face now. Even through her tears she cannot manage to smile, though it would not be the first time she has smiled and cried because of him.   
  
“What’s the price?” she asks.  
  
He considers lying. He considers not giving her the proper price, so that he could give it to her for free, everything she wanted. If only to see her smile for real. But he knows how she would react, if she knew he had lied. How much she would cry if she knew how much he’d been hurt because of his desire to spare her feelings.  
  
He doesn’t answer right away, and Himawari lifts her hands to touch his, still on her cheeks, wiping away her tears.   
  
“Will you…” she pauses, biting her lip. “The reason why I came here—it isn’t just for a kiss.”  
  
He looks up and their eyes lock.  
  
She shifts uneasily. “Is that… okay?”  
  
“You want…”  
  
“I do,” she says. “I know it’s selfish… it might hurt you but I—I don’t… I can’t be with you, but I…”  
  
He cuts her off by drawing her face to his and kissing her, softly. Her lips taste like her tears. She bites back a sob and presses against him, kissing him back just as hesitantly, letting him cradle her, sinking against him.  
  
“You’ll be sad, every time you think of me,” he says, miserably.  
  
“I’m already sad when I think of you,” she answers, and smiles a watery smile, “Watanuki-kun.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” he says and is not quite sure what he’s sorry for.   
  
He takes her to the bed.


End file.
